Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
