Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
being pregnant is like rehab
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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