im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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