dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
