You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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