i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
