Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
