Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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