Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
