singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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