Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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