I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
