Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You ate ashes out of my bong
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
