you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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