So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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