i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
