If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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