thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
