i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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