btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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