Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
