She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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