I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
