I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
