Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
