If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
