I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
