so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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