my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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