so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
