He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
