I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
