just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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