Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
