just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize