Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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