i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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