when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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