I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
