I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Even my vagina gasped.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
