Since when is my name a synonym for head?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
