Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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