dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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