I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
