He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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