Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
