don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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