you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
