I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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