seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
