So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
