You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize