Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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