I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
