Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
