Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
