Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
