Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
