and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
