I'm eating all of the evidence.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
