the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
