my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
