By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
