Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
