I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
