FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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