the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
